I am angry, upset, filled with sorrow, and very very pissed off. My best friend decided to take a gun, put it up to his head, and pull the trigger. He isn't here anymore. He's left a sixteen year old son to fend for himself when his Dad needed him most, and two five year old little girls without a Dad. There was no warning signs, no broken glass, no tears... nothing to warn me that he was about to take this route out of society. I think about the laughter, the great times, and yes the tears we had between us and how that is gone too. I've learned so much in that last minute of being told my friend has passed on that it's difficult to even express. I just get in the car and pound on the dashboard.
"You selfish mother fucker." I scream.
My wife asks me if I am all right and I answer: No. We don't lie to each other. I hate my best friend for what he has done. The person I loved is gone. Just this confusion of emotions and anarchy feelings are left. How are those kids supposed to grow up without his loving support and guidance? I think about all the people my best friend has left and all the pain he has given them and I don't think of him as my best friend anymore. Just this selfish sad person who has caused a lot of people a lot of grief for no reason at all. We will live, we will survive his suicide, but we will be different because of it.
That was five years ago.
I'm sitting at my computer. I'm a late owl and usually stay up to 2AM before heading to bed. It's a little after 3AM and I'm feeling pretty good. My son has just had his birthday (on Thanksgiving no less) and it's the day after. We call him the Turkey Boy because of it. I'm used to getting messages across the computer and since my accident eight years ago this is how I do my work. Messages back and forth and then my Aunt sends one and my stomach goes ice cold and I feel like throwing up.
This is the message my Aunt sent to me.
"My Daughter Is Dead, She Shot Herself. Shes Gone, and I Don't Know What To Do"
You see it's 3 Am in the morning and this side of the family is spread out across the country. It's going to take some time to notify the rest of the family. I'm already up. I'm the first person to know that my cousin is dead. I ask what happened, what is going on...
I Don't Know. She Was Drinking. It All Happened Earlier. We Just Got Home From The Hospital. She Shot Herself In The Head.
I offer to call my Dad and it begins. The 3 AM wake up call. The one that you know is bad. Except I'm the one who has to call and wake my family from their bed. I have to tell them all about one persons selfish act and how her beauty and joy isn't going to be a part of this world anymore. Then my thought goes to my Uncle, my loving Uncle Kevin and how this was the girl that was always in his arms... There is also the two year old baby that she left behind who will have to grow up without a mother.
My Dad answers the one. I tell him the dreaded news. He thanks me for letting him know and then I continue on. Next is my Uncle Cliff and then my Sister and then my Mom... I run the list through my head of all the loved ones who need to be called. The survivors of my cousins suicide. By the time all the kids are up I have made all the calls. Now, I get to tell them about Aunt Crystal and they get to see first hand what suicide does to the people who are left. The anger, the anguish, the sorrow, the love, the hate for what they did, the questions like: Why didn't you call?, and so forth...
See, the thing the suicide person doesn't think about is all the pain and anguish that they will leave behind when they are gone. This was a death at their own hands and was completely avoidable. I don't understand, I never will. Everybody can last a minute, an hour, another day. If you are thinking on committing suicide then call someone and talk. Every person has some worth, some experience to share, and every person has someone that loves them and will be hurt by their death. Just call and you will see. Each day is different with different joys and happiness.
The holidays are usually when a person is most likely to commit suicide. If you know someone you are worried about then give them a call and reassure them of your love. Maybe even talk about this article. What I don't want is you to be me. Sitting here asking questions that will never be answered. I'll survive this suicide just like I survived my best friends. It won't be easy, just like it wasn't easy the last time. I will survive this suicide but I won't be better off because of it. How could I be better off without my friend or my cousin Crystal? The answer is I won't. They left way to early in life and left behind way to much pain and anger for anyone to be better off because of it. The only thing I could wish for won't be able to occur. A thousand wishes couldn't change that around. They are gone forever. It's just the way it is.